(The continuation of this writing project is now being published under a different url.)


May 15, 2007
"There was a man who got the death penalty for trying to commit suicide. OH NO! NO!
NO! he said." –Daniel Johnston @ Warsaw (Brooklyn).

The girl in front of me fainted.

May 6, 2007
I just landed home from California. It was an activity-oriented trip, a lot of ings: bowling,
roller-skating (aaahhhhh!), camping, wine tasting, elephant-seal watching, BBQing,
thrift-shopping , gallery hopping, toy-conventioning.

So was the entire month of April: hosting, fasting/cleansing, recovering,
Provincetowning, hiking, whale watching, ping-ponging, canoeing, fishing, crying.

I've been out of my "element" for a while now. Completely alienated. I can't say it's
been bad. But it does make me wonder if it's the reason why I haven't been able to
pen a word...

March 6, 2007
It is disturbing to admit but the sad truth is, I have forgotten how to
scream. The best I can do is squeal.

March 5, 2007
Birth of C.R.A.N.Y: CReative cAnadians in NY (www.thecranies.com).

March 4, 2007
An antillectual is a person who has the capacity and awareness to be an intellectual
but fiercely rejects the "offer". (Intellectual: rational rather than emotional.)

February 19, 2007
A German speaks English with bubble gum in her mouth.
A French-Canadian speaks English with a hot potato in her mouth.

February 18, 2007
and (for) Ursid

and sparkles are bottled
(expiration time 1PM)
and a rusty wand
(expiration time 1PM)
and the doves are whiny
(expiration time)
end at 1PM

February 13, 2007
It's one of those days where you decide on a second breakfast instead of lunch.
You play the songs hidden at the bottom of the list, you know, the shy ones with
a lisp. It's one of those days when blue is just another shade of gray.

January 23, 2007
I was stabbed, through the fingernail, of the right index Of-All-Fingers– by a
staple while thrift-shopping in Quebec City yesterday (Was I bad, my lord?).
The metal is stuck right in there now, what the hell am I supposed to do?

(On January 26th, at 12h04pm, I had to perform surgery on myself as my finger
was getting infected. It was that or going to the ER and have my fingernail yanked
out by some fascists. So I cleared off my drawing table and laid down tweezers,
exacto knives, needles, topical anesthetics, alcohol (not the drinking kind– I had
forgotten that one), peroxide and a cup of boiling water. I dipped and breathed, then
I started carving away at the nail. It took a long time. When I was open, when puss
began to come out and I was right about to faint, I squeezed real hard and the
piece of metal popped out! It was big. And it wasn't a staple at all. I have no idea
what it was.)

January 12, 2007
They are finding thousands of dead birds. It's not flu, this they know, and they
haven't come across any bird-eating monsters, but that they wouldn't say. The
birds just fall off from the skies. Dead.

January 5, 2007
At 4h00pm, he ran away from a crazy authoress who had just gotten a
chemical peel and screamed that he was ruining her career.
At 4h30pm, he said he was happy to have found refuge in my studio and he
cracked open a bottle of Crown Royal to thank me.
At 9h00pm, I looked just like her.

January 1, 2007
There seems to be a common accord amongst the likes of me: 2007 is
when we get to taste the fruits of our labors. Sweeeeeet.

December 31, 2006
The Ursa Minor exploded with a shower of meteors (ursids!) at around 2am
last night in Boston. And again at 10 this morning.

December 24, 2006
So unusual, so wonderful downtown Manhattan is when no horns are tut. The
streets are empty; no one is in a hurry– even the last minute shoppers seem
to find humor in their lateness.

Each face you encounter triggers the thought: why are they here, why alone on
Christmas' eve? Is it by choice or punishment?

It was definitely choice for me and an easy one to live with with a french raspberry
as companion. We enjoyed our stroll and the casual Bourbon before a cheap
vietnamese dinner. Then we had the crazy idea to meet what seemed like eight
lesbians in Times Square to watch the worse possible movie but I won't say which.

Sitting beside her was a black man who had been living somewhere in the theater
for a while. As heads were being cut off on-screen, a dark and muffled laugh
would come out of his silhouette. And at each second-minute tick, he would
unzip the duffle bag resting on his lap and grab an handful of Corn Flakes. And
zip it back up again.

Our last stop was The Algonquin Hotel for a fancy cocktail and a chat with
the jaded Matilda.

This just might be my kind of Christmas...

December 23, 2006
Cinematic Torture it was and I loved it. As if we were caught in a chase
dream with him– he trapped us. No escape but the occasional shutting of
the eyelid, which seemed to be permitted and perhaps even recommended.
The images were gorgeous with their low-res quality and the obsessive
apparition of Laura's face so close that it eventually started to feel like a
mirror. I am now haunted by the two deep parallel lines between her brow–
a path that could lead her, or all of us, to insanity.

We took the subway back to Brooklyn. On the platform, an older (but maybe
not so much) black woman with matching fuchsia hair and coat sang sad Christmas
carols so beautifully that everyone listening were in a trance. A 3 year-old boy
went up to her twice to drop a quarter in her hat. The second time he said:

"Bye lady call me ok?"

December 15, 2006
Today I praise:
•Antony's performance of Leonard Cohen's If It Be Your Will in the
documentary I'm Your Man –Oh God!
•Ezra Johnson's video What Birds Remember If They Do Remember
(Nicole Klasburn Gallery) –Jesus!
•Emmi Pink Grapefruit yogurt –Good Heaven!

December 3, 2006
MAGALIE
PLEASE FIND ME
I AM ALMOST 30.

(well, with my name it rimes. and I like to think he would have written it for me.
but I would only be born 9 years later...)

November 24, 2006
Music is an embarrassing subject for me– from my (un)precedented singing talent to my
(un)refined knowledge of its history. And telling people to forgive me, that I grew up in
Quebec City doesn't always save me from the look of despair I see in their eyes...

When I met Lenny Kaye, I had never consciously listened to Patti Smith. I had heard
of her, but not of her songs. Thinking Lenny was a retired musician in need of a side
gig (!), I innocently asked him if he cared to teach me a few chords because I had bought
a really pretty guitar a while back and couldn't figure out how to use it. He agreed and
I was asked to come over once a week if I'd promise to practice between sessions.
When I showed up for the first lesson, Lenny asked:
What would you like to learn? I said I don't know. Let's pick a song. He said How
about Gloria? I replied What??? The Laura Branigan song?

November 15, 2006
Antonyms of illicit are: blessed, good, moral, noble, proper, right, boring.

November 4, 2006
An anxious voyeur of my own life is what I am– more concerned about what's
next than what's now.
Every night I drink. Not a lot. Just a bit. Just enough so as to fall asleep. Quick.
Tomorrow might be better than today; or at least that's what they say.
But I'll stand astray.

October 30, 2006
The US government rejected a wine label on which I posed as a fat American on a
couch waving a flag like a whip but, how sweet!, they did approve my immigration
case and gave me a green card!

October 24, 2006
"What am I? White bread or something???"

October 19, 2006
Today–my mother's birthday– I had to appear in criminal court to explain the pink summon
I got for riding my bicycle, wearing a dress, on a deserted 9AM sidewalk. (I have to mention the dress because somehow I think it has a large part to do with the arrest.) I didn't get to defend myself, my case was dismissed.

October 18, 2006
The Devil is making it back to these pages (O how I've missed him!) as one of the characters
who made last night such a great night. He asked for his name to remain the same; so it will.

The other would be the second drummer for the Melvins, who almost brought me to climax
with his marching band obsession. From where I stood, he looked like Peyton But With
Passion; a delight for the eyes. And ears.

Warsaw is an amazing venue always full of adventures. I say– anytime!

October 12, 2006
Oysters are mysterious little creatures and I chose to shoot them in my mouth with
straight vodka to celebrate the beginning of my 34th year. Later in the night, a handsome
Russian immigrant came up to me with an offer I seriously wish was meant to be.

I escaped, to my house full of guests and pets, and ended it ruefully on the living room
couch. The overall feeling was sweet– I did have a great time tonight– but now I know
that some things will just have to change.

October 2, 2006
Three from the past in one day. Ouch.
By the first (12AM), I was unnecessarily– although not surprisingly– insulted. The second
(7PM) inflicted rejection, but it ain't sore no more. It's the third (10PM), the one that
previously won the Creative Humiliation Award, that made for the final blow. He still smiles,
as he always has, but if I do, it's just to hide.

October 1, 2006
To the sound of silence he came, my perfect adventure partner, and after losing many
nickels at poker with underage players, we found refuge, and so did the frog, in cold
waters. Then followed fires.

September 29, 2006
How many tacos does one have to eat before an entire taquerìa throws you a party?
How many cheery art kids does it take to get a rabbit to play soccer?
And how cheesy music has to be for a french-canadian to dance?

September 17, 2006
Boston– Making movies of a live ghost in the Ritz Carlton is not exactly what I had
in mind for my show's after-party– it was better.

September 13, 2006
It left me for a blonde, what can I say? I saw her riding It shamelessly (but not
without difficulties) on the same-exact street as we last parted ways.

September 7, 2006
What (who) eats (likes) Mosquitoes?

August 29, 2006
"Your sister told me you did consider coming up for the funeral after
all?", Mom said.

"Yes, but it was a little late when I realized that I actually could. Flights were
way too much money. So I thought about the 11-hour long bus ride, and should
have went for it, but I just couldn't bear it and I have to say, I feel like shit today."

"Well I think it's for the best you didn't, honey. Did you read the news this
morning?", she added.

Greyhound Bus Crashes in Upstate New York, Killing Five People
Five people were killed and 33 hurt after a Greyhound bus on its way to
Montreal from New York City flipped over on Interstate 87 in upstate
New York last night.

August 26, 2006
The Root of a great garden you were, and I will meet you there one day.
So long Papy. Thank you.

August 23, 2006
I am suffering the scarring of last night's vivid, impossible dream.
You are not here, and that's just that.

August 18, 2006
Nonsense! My beloved, but terrible, 6 year-old pink bicycle ran away!

July 21, 2006
Sparse moments only ignite the dormant. And if I was granted two nights and
three days, would the green turn to gray?

July 11, 2006
Life should not end with tubes up our rectums. Period.

June 10, 2006
In 2001, Sophie Calle had an exhibit of her work at Paula Cooper gallery.
On the day I stopped by, she was there, sitting at a table, mysteriously observing
the crowd. She invited people to write down any idea that would cross their mind
about what she should work on next and present it to her. I scribbled something like:
"You shall collect a lock of hair from each of your loved ones and make a wig to
wear on your death bed" and stood in line with my precious piece of paper. My heart
pumped an extra beat as I handed it to her.
She read it and I saw the right corner of her mouth raise up slightly. She then extended
her left hand towards me and wiggled her fingers. The puzzled look on my face prompted
her to say: "Regarde, what do you think this is?". That's when I noticed a ring on her
index, and the bundle of hair that sat on top of a gold band.

June 9, 2006
Marcie's work is about "insignificant daily events", as she calls them. "After
my dad was diagnosed with a brain disease that causes him to loose his short
term memory, I realize how important these events actually are. Anyway you
tell me, how often do you have a day full of big stuff?"

Today, June 9th 2006, I am ending my six-week residency in Nebraska and
flying back to New York while my grandfather is being transported to another
hospital for more tests. On our way to the airport, a deer comes running out of
the bushes but luckily sees the car just seconds before his front hoof hits the road.
My nephew turns 4 years old and his dad officially opens his new restaurant. To
top it off, because that just ain't enough, my older sister goes into an early labor
and delivers a baby girl. Here you go.

June 7, 2006
R is suffering from RSI (Repetitive Strain Injury). I can no longer ignore her
request for a break or I risk permanent damage. Almost six weeks of 12 hour
days– she's had enough. So I figured it was time to train L to draw. She will
always be slower and not as precise but she's got to help out a little. Today
was her first full day and she did well. I am proud to say that both my hands
will now be working together as one awesome team.

June 2, 2006
This was my first outing since the beginning of my solitary confinement to
my garage studio, a month ago. We went hiking in Peru with hopes to find
the Missouri river. My ballpoint hand got to laugh at some other members
of the limb family when my legs started crying. We never did see the river
but what we found was a field of wild growing Marijuana plants. Hundreds
of them. They call it Ditch Weed.

June 1, 2006
"Are you influenced by Tracey Emin's work?"
"No, but I have been thinking about Billy Childish in ways she once has..."

May 31, 2006
I saw Robin lay an egg. Her mouth wide open. Eyes squinting a little.
It looked like she was in pain and I shouldn't have been looking.

May 24, 2006
I want to go to Congo and cut penises off. Sunny will come with me.

May 20, 2006
Death is near. Or perhaps is it that it is more clear?
Nevertheless, it remains foreign, unknown, scary, and I can't help the discharge
of bugs coming out of me. They are oozing out of my family too. Similar kind,
different colors.

I feel far but I'm afraid it's the closest I know.

Once in his life, about 15 years ago, my grandfather telephoned me. He had
just received a letter I wrote saying that I found painful to see that he wished
to die because I loved him and wanted to be around him as long as possible.
I was young, and selfish, and I certainly couldn't comprehend the immense strain
age has on the soul. I didn't even know, then, what it meant to simply be
depressed. I refused to be supportive of death and told him so. On the phone,
he said one thing: "Come over now."
Since I had never heard my grandfather express any need, or anything for that
matter, I rushed over– a thirty-minute drive away. When I got there, he was
crying but refused to talk to me. It was so heartbreaking to see him that way
that I decided, at that moment, to never tell him how I felt ever again.

May 17, 2006
Elizabeth Taylor saved Montgomery Clift's life by pulling two teeth out of
his throat after he crashed his car into a tree.

May 13, 2006
See April 14, 2003.

May 11, 2006
Constant noises around here:
Trains.
Two dogs barking.
Squirrels running along the roof of my studio.

May 10, 2006
Existentialism: Human existence is not exhaustively describable or
understandable in either scientific or logical terms and relies upon a
phenomenological approach that emphasizes the critical analysis of
borderline situations in man's life... (Webster)

May 7, 2006
When Clark Gable was born, he was mistakenly listed as a female on his
birth certificate. Even more interesting though was the fact that Adolf Hitler,
during the war, offered a big reward to anyone who would capture and return
an unharmed Gable to him. Oh Adolf...

May 4, 2006
I guess you could call it that: Art Prison.

May 1, 2006
I just arrived in Nebraska City for a 6 weeks residency. A whole floor
has been given to me alone as an apartment. It's uncomfortably big and
there's carpet everywhere.
I go to the kitchen and look for food left over from previous residents
since it's a bit late to roam around town– I find microwave popcorn
and ground beef.
Okay.
And a note on the fridge, dated April 6th, written by the minister's wife who
happens to be in charge of the art center (!): "Sorry I missed you– I tried
knocking on your door this afternoon before I left to let you know that the
weather reports are calling for the possibility of a tornado tonight. This is to
remind you of what you need to do if you hear a big loud siren go off.
Go down to the basement and turn on the TV on channel 10. If the power
goes off there's a portable radio and a flashlight on the bottom shelf of the
bookcase.

You should stay in the basement until the radio gives the all-clear to come
out. It may be a few minutes to a few hours.
May you have a quiet, tornado-free evening!"

God bless me.

April 29, 2006
Shanghai noodles, as I found them, were entwined in a surprising twist of
faith. I resisted at first, but only at first.
"Thank you for hugging me with both arms", Peyton said.

April 26, 2006
"So what do you do after you understand things?"
"That's when you start feeling them." Pffff.

April 25, 2006
"You have to realize," he whispered to me when a nurse had declined to
answer a direct question about his suspected cancer, "that the first and most
important job of medical science is to protect the profession from the patient."
(The Kindness of Women, JG Ballard)

April 20, 2006
I was drinking alone at the bar: "What are you laughing at?", John the bartender
asked.

"Oh, I was eavesdropping", I said.

"Which side?"

"Left of me. But wait where does that expression comes from? Eavesdropping?"

The origin of the term is from when people would literally hide out in the
eavesdrop of a house to listen in on private conversations.

The eavesdrop is the width of ground around a house or building which receives
the rain water dropping from the eaves which is the projecting overhang at the
lower edge of a roof. (www.answers.com)

April 9, 2006
Chinese Fortune from last night: "A modest man never talks to himself" (???)

April 2, 2006
"Don't feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that." Nagasawa said to Watanabe.

April 1st, 2006
Othello was a young Italian film director I met a few years ago. He was a
guest of my friends Rodney and Juliet who use a spare room in their Greenpoint
loft to put up foreign travelers.
He was good-looking, calm, attentive and extremely charming. I instantly wanted
to introduce him to my younger sister and had this fantasy that they would make cute
babies and that he would be part of my extended family forever. Only he was in
New York because he had fallen in love with an Italian girl married to an American.
He had decided to come here on an artist visa and wait for her to leave her husband.

We all thought he was a fool. A beautiful fool.

But he wasn't.
After a few months and as many afternoon rendezvous,
she divorced her husband and they moved back to Italy together.

It was a perfect love story and they were happy. She soon got pregnant.

One night, they were celebrating in a hotel room after wrapping up a day of film
shooting. The day had gone well and they thought a little marijuana was a good
way to end it. They weren't partyers though, in fact it was the first time Othello
smoked a joint. The pot was strong and he began to suffer panic attacks.
He was stoned and didn't know how to handle it. She tried to calm him, invited
him to lay down beside her but he grew increasingly paranoid. He started to believe
that his mind was failing him and that he would never be the same again. He was
loosing it. Then he thought of his unborn son and the possibility that he might now be,
because of the drug, an incapacitated father, a retarded father and that did it...
he jumped out of the window and died that night.

What the fuck Othello?

March 22, 2006
The Bunny Brains are a crazy bunch. Good crazy. You can quote me on that.

March 21, 2006
I called my phone company to get information about long-distance calling.
"It's 79¢ a minute to Canada." she informs me.
"Oh no, that can't be right. I'm pretty sure I've been paying 20¢. Double-check on
my last bill, will you?"
"Let's see... One to Quebec...Montreal... Montreal again... Nope, you haven't
made any calls to Canada last month."

March 20, 2006
I went to California once again and the one celebrity I got to cross paths with
had to be the main character of the daytime soap-opera I watched as a teenage
girl in order to learn English. My Teacher!

March 9, 2006
Linda Lovelace became world-famous overnight for her role in the highest
grossing adult film of all time Deep Throat. She appeared proud and would
gladly suck an interviewer's cock to demonstrate her special talent. 14 years
and a few movies later, she publicly announce that she was being raped, gun
to her head, during the filming of the movie. She became a huge advocate for
the anti-porn movement, doing numerous (but tamed) interviews and publishing
a memoir. Then nothing. So at the age of 52, broke and no longer enjoying the
spotlight, she posed in lingerie for a fetish magazine called Leg Show.

I say this to my dear friend: You should not bite the hand that might end up
feeding you. Not publicly anyway.

February 27, 2006
Pirates still exist?!

February 25, 2006
I went to a screening of Razor's Edge (1946) in a museum with a crowd of
poodle-head ladies. Their aging husbands fell asleep soon after the opening
credits– snores and farts resonated loudly in the room. To thank me for not
ordering some fancy cocktail, the bartender had poured a quadruple straight
vodka which made the scenario, and the movie, rather amusing.

February 11, 2006
"I wish I had the balls to go up to him and say "Alright now you follow me,
don't ask, I'm taking you somewhere."".
"Do it! I dare you ! Come on, you can do it!"
"No but you see, the problem is, I don't actually want to do this, I want to
have it done to me. It's stupid."

Once voiced, it grew. Obsessively. I stared in his direction, inventing run-away
scenarios. And when I left the theater, well before the play was over, I looked
behind me– maybe he...

February 8, 2006
A light-colored mulatto girl, of about 11 years of age, walked by me on
2nd avenue at 9th street, I remember precisely. She wore an old man's hat
and tight jeans and had such an air of detachment concerning her youth that
I surprised myself having shameful and much forbidden thoughts towards her.
It was quite disturbing.

January 25, 2006
I failed miserably at my MRI test. Three times they attempted to slide me in,
head first, into this not-so giant tube. To calm my nerves, they were kind enough
to blast soft-rock through my ears but they put a strap around my waist so I'd stay still.

Somehow, the idea of spending twenty minutes in there was more traumatic to me
than what I've been suffering from and I shamefully had to excuse myself.

Four hours later I'm still shaky.

January 21, 2006
Fork down– Hand up– Fingers in– Hand down– Fork up– Food in. Repeat.

January 20, 2006
I once played Hanging Man on bar napkins with a dyslexic who was secretly
in love with me. Alas, he misspelled the word I was expected to guess: "It's loveley",
he said. "You're loveley".

January 19, 2006
Kooky: considered to be unpleasantly eccentric. Unpleasantly, it says.

January 14, 2006
Frederick is back! And he ain't going away no more. I won't let him.

January 7 , 2006
What the hell am I doing with a dick in my pants?


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2005

2004-2002

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